Thursday, I hit a brick wall. I left for work at 8 and really did not get home and eat dinner until after 11 (I heated up my dinner, but forgot to eat it as I focused on creating lesson plans and doing my homework). By the time I arrived home, I broke down in tears. There is so much going on, and I feel like I barely have time to get anything accomplished. Sleep has taken a backseat.
My student teaching is coming to an end in less than a month and I am not sure how to feel. I know I am in desperate need of a break, but I wonder how I can leave my students knowing the mess I walked into when I started in January. I am hoping my cooperating teacher will quit being lazy (her own words) and do her job. I love the students I work with and I am grateful for the special education assistant and the classroom teachers; they have help me remain focused on what is important and have given me pointers along the way.
My house is a mess. I am grateful Charles and Victoria have been cleaning and doing laundry, I certainly do not have time, but there is still so much not getting done. Our Christmas ornaments are lying on the dining room table taunting me as I come home each day. I am not sure if I've been able to cook more than 5 or 6 meals since I started teaching.
I am concerned about Jacob; we have had more difficulty in the past six months than I think we ever have. I'm sure I have mentioned it before, but Jacob has Asperger's Syndrome (perhaps I will discuss more about AS in a later post). He also has other disabilities that interfere with his behavior, social skills, and sleep. This interference impacts his life, and the life of others, at school, home, and church. I homeschooled Jacob for most of last year, but reenrolled him in the 10th grade at the beginning of the current school year. Since that time, I have had six IEP meetings to address his specific needs and ways to help him succeed. Jacob really is brilliant...though his grades do not usually reflect his intelligence level. My last meeting was at the end of February, I am hoping we finally have set up an effective environment for him. His behavior has taken a negative turn since January. I am concerned about his behavior, but I think there are health factors impacting it. Now it is just trying to figure out what is going on. I know I need to be the strong one, to make sure everyone is taken care of, but I am quite worried and I am feeling fatigued. Sometimes Jacob makes damaging comments and usually I ignore them, but my fortitude is waning. I would love to see Jacob succeed and feel confident in all facets of life. I am really not sure what that means for him, but I will be by his side for the long-haul.
I am trying to remain focused on God. I need to remain steadfast in my convictions and know that He has given me the ability to face all the challenges in my life (as long as I do it with Him). I decided, even though I am busy, to participate with Victoria in a dance with many other women at the end of our annual Women's Day. It has been a lot of work, but inspiring. It is definitely something I have never done.
I am getting close to finishing up my Master's degree and attaining my teaching credential in Special Education. I know I have insight as an educator and as a parent, I think this makes me a valuable asset and pray I can secure a job for the fall. I can't wait to have some time to spend with my family, to enjoy some down time, and to be able devote the time, energy, and love I know my family and friends deserve.
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